SOUTH PARK: The Principal of the Matter
by Tharpdevenport
Summary: Principal Victoria is up for re-election at South Park Elementary, but things don't go so well when she finds she has competition. And things are going to get nasty.
1. Chapter 1

Kids talk and move around on the bleachers in the South Park Elementary gym.

"So, what do you think they called us all to the gum for?" asks Kyle.

Stan replies, "I don't know, but I do know nothing good ever happens in the gym."

"Still better than math. Shut up, Butters," says Eric.

"Why, ah, I didn't even say anything," Butters responds.

"Pre-emptive strike," says Eric.

"Even a scrapped knee is better than math class; it takes you out of gym, keeps you out for maybe a day or two, and you get a lollipop from the nurse," says Kyle.

"It would be better if it was Cheesy Puffs," says Eric.

Mr. Mackey and Principal Victoria walk up to the microphone on a stand on the gym floor.

Victoria taps the microphone head a few times and then speaks, it whines briefly, "Okay, students, settle down," the kids quiet down, "Thank you. As you are no doubt all aware, I'm up for re-election as school Principal."

There's dead silence and vacant stares except from some nerds and some girls.

"Now, normally my job security would be a delightful formality, but this year the school board and PTA decided all you bas … delightful bundles of joy should have a say, so now the position is up for a vote. Which would normally be fine, but … oh, go head," Victoria steps away from the microphone.

Mr. Mackey steps up to the microphone, "Good morning, students, I'm Mr. Mackey, your faithful long-time school counselor. M'kay. Ah, this morning – in the interest of democracy and the voting process – I'm officially tossing my hat into the ring for the school Principal position, _m'kay?!_ " he then takes off the small American-flag decorated hat he just put on, and throws it out onto the gym floor. Kids just look at him, "M'kay, maybe that would have been more impressive with some music and cheering."

"Not really," Eric mutters in a low voice.

"Peace, love, and all that good stuff. Thank you," he walks over to his hat and picks it up.

"Okay," Victoria says once she's back at the microphone, "Just remember to vote for me next week. I know how to manage the steady decline in scholastic standards and under my continued watch there have been fewer violent and sudden student deaths, so always a plus. Dismissed."

Kids get up and start filling out the gym.

Butters speaks, "Gosh, you guys, I don't know who to vote for. I certainly don't want more of the same but I also don't want somebody who doesn't appear to have the gosh golly compunction to shake things up."

"It's one or the other, Butters," says Stan.

"Your vote won't count anyway, Butters," says Eric.

"It won't?"

Eric replies, "Between miscounts, magic boxes of ballots found in car trunks, dead people voting, and self-anointed important people who just sue to re-count and re-count votes until they hopefully squeak by with a win, you might as well not bother."

"Oh. Well, that's depressing," says Butters.

Kyle turns to Eric and asks, "So, you're not going to vote?"

"Of course I'm going to vote. I said _Butters' vote_ doesn't count."

"Don't listen to Boss Hog over there, Butters – you vote. Don't forget that important quote – 'One man can make a difference.'. Make a difference Butters!" Kyle encourages him.

"Well, gosh – I think I will! Thanks, Kyle."

They reach the exit doors and finds Victoria there.

"Candy?" she asks the, holding out a bowl of various pieces of candy.

Eric's eyes grow big, "Oh, sweeeet! You have my vote, misses Victoria!" Eric says as he takes and un-wraps a piece of candy.

"So, somebody seeking your vote gives you free stuff and you'd vote for them because of that?" Kyle asks Eric.

Eric retorts, "I'm shallow and self-involved like that."

"But what about the issues? Of which you know nothing," says Kyle.

"Kyle, the only issue is you haven't stopped talking yet."

Victoria speaks to them, "Remember kids, normally you're not allowed to eat candy in class, but as lame-duck Principal, every day could be candy day us the initial ballots in a few days shows I'm winning. Bye now!"

"Argh!" Kyle exclaims in frustration.

"Well, that's no good…" Butters says, thinking aloud.

.

CUT TO: The school bell ringing and kids getting into classes. The boys sit patiently in Mr. Garrison's classroom, waiting for him to arrive.

Kyle speaks, "You see, Butters, people have local representatives who are elected by them because locals know what locals need, instead of an appointed government bureaucrat hundreds or thousands of miles away who knows nothing about us and makes assumptions much to our detriment. And these things are called issues. They can be simple and they can be complex. One of our school teachers hates Jews and is probably a National Socialist, AKA: A Nazi, that's an issue."

"Oh, I see," says Butters.

Mr. Garrison comes in, "Okay, class, settle down and don't chew too loudly if you still have candy. Today we're actually going to learn something in case the election draws the attention of your parents," he picks up the chalk and writes, "Today we'll begin learning about the Wig party. Does anybody know what that is?"

Eric raises a hand.

"Eric?"

"A party where people wear wigs?"

"No. That was incredibly stupid. You see, back in the 1800's there used to be only two main parties: the Democrat party and the Wig party."

Kyle's right hand goes up.

"Kyle?"

"Obviously the party doesn't exist anymore, so there must have been issues that voters cared about that the Wigs didn't or just ignored, right?"

"Yes, Kyle, and I'm trying to teach that. Kyle?" Mr. Garrison asks again when Kyle raises the hand again.

"Mr. Garrison, I was wondering what issues are going to affect your vote."

"Interesting question, Kyle. I'd say my job security and my pension are the key issues."

"Wait, what about the real issues such as our funding, our national average, graduation rates, quality teachers, and general school health and safety?"

"Kyle, the school was broke when I joined and it'll be broke when I'm gone, our national average doesn't matter because nobody important has ever come out of South Park, kids who fail a grade is job security, and what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. All I know is Principal Victoria has put up with me for many years, while I don't think Mr. Mackey will be inclined to continue my employment."

"Then how do we ever change anything?" asks Kyle.

"Don't worry, children, when you get older and jaded, your hope of making a difference will fade. Instead you'll focus on trying to get by the mess it's all created."

Kyle continues, "How does that make us any better than the people who kept re-electing the feckless Wigs?"

"When I asked for questions, Kyle, I didn't mean that many. Anyway, the Wig party was…"

.

Students stand in line in the cafeteria, waiting to get served.

"So, say I picked the gosh darn bestus candidate I could based upon their responses and ideas in regards to the issues. What if he or she ignores their campaign promises once elected?" Butters asks Kyle.

"Well, that can happen. They're called fucking hypocritical assholes. In that case you have to try and hold their feet to the fire and not re-elect them next time."

"Gee willikers – that sounds awful involving."

"Lying shitbags makes everybody's life more difficult," says Kyle.

Butters inquires, "Then how does John MacCain keep getting re-elected?"

Stand responds, "Nobody knows, Butters, nobody knows."

"It's simple, Butters – vote for the one giving us candy," says Eric.

"But that doesn't fix anything," Butters comments.

Kyle adds, "And she gets the candy money from the general fund, which town tax payers foot, so it's not free."

The kids reach the lunch lady and start getting served.

"Sometimes, Butters, people don't care; they'd rather have free phones, free internet services, and Cash for Clunkers. When it comes to liberty or a condom, some people choose condoms. They're stupid like that," says Kyle.

At the end of the line they find Mr. Mackey handing out pieces of paper.

"Whut's twis?" Kenny asks in a muffled voice.

"Mock ballots. We just want to see who's being favored right now so we can adjust our campaigns accordingly," Mr. Mackey replies.

Butters asks him, "But Mr. Mackey, why would either if you need to re-adjust your campaigns? Wouldn't that be an admission that neither of you were running on what we really want and want to re-work it so it's in line with the majority?"

"Giving voters what they want isn't always a bad thing, Butters," Mr. Mackey replies back.

"But we're kids and often we don't know what we want and blow wildly in the wind like a leak. Why, ah, just the other day Jeremy in my third class thought it would be a good idea to eat paste and pee in the potted plant. If only he had cleaned that paste off his hands before he touched his wiener…"

"And as school Principal I promise less paste eating and no more peeing in plants," says Mr. Mackey.

"I smell a rat…" Butters comments aloud.

"That's just Kenny, Butters – they follow him around," says Eric.

They go and sit down at their usual table.

"Don't get disillusioned, Butters. Remember: if you do that, they win," says Kyle.

Eric leans over toward Butters, who is sitting on the bench close to him, "Remember: if you do that, we get free candy. Free. And not even just on Halloween."

"Don't go to the dark side, Butters," says Kyle.

"The dark side has cookies, Butters," says Eric.

"Well, I do like cookies…" Butters ponders aloud.

"Free cookies," Eric adds.

"Kylo Ren is on the dark side. You don't want to be anything like him, do you?" Kyle asks Butters.

"No, that would be awful; all faux dark and emo. Thanks, Eric, but, ah, I'm gonna stick to the issues."

"Yes!" Kyle exclaims.

"Pft – fine. But don't ask for any of my free candy then," says Eric.

"Yeah, right – like there'd be any candy left after you got a hold of it. And you can't even _spell_ sharing," says Kyle to Eric.

" **Ay!** I can too!"

"Prove it."

"C, h, e, e, r, i, n, g. Sharing."

"It's depressing your vote is equivalent to mine," says Kyle.

"Yesss … your depression only makes me stronger!" says Eric.

"Hey, you know what I just noticed? Issues and tissues rhyme!" says Butters.

.

Later that school day. The boys sit in the final class of the day – Mr. Krautklinger's.

" _Nine! Nine!_ In das Nazi Germany, all citizens voted for mein fuhrer! And eef you did not, you vere deesappeared. Elections. Zhe people are stooopid! Zhey must be forced to know vhat zhey like! Vote main fuhrer! Stand," he points.

"Ah, you do know he's dead, right? Shot himself in a bunker."

" **Nine! Nine!** Mein fuhrer escaped to Columbia vhere he lived until he vas cloned. Eet iz only ay matter of time…"

"Yeah, maybe you should avoid late-night radio programs where the hosts names end in 'Bell' and 'Jones'…" says Stan.

The school intercom whines on and Mr. Mackey speaks.

"Attention, students, attention. The results of the mock ballots have been tabulated. With 49% of the vote, Principal Victoria leads. With a respectful 43% of the vote, I trail second. The remainder was write-in's: Keyser Soze, Batman, Jedi, Mitch Conners, Batman again, Nathan Fillion, Adolf Hitler, … John MacCain and Mit Romnie? Honest to God, what is wrong with peo … anyway, for taking the time to let your voice be heard, Principal Victoria is allowing the school to be dismissed a little early today. That is all.

The intercom shuts off.

" _ **Yay!**_ " all the students cheer loudly.

The kids get up and leave for the lockers. The boys head for theirs.

"The votes are so close. And why would so many people throw their vote away on fictional characters and people not even running? Gosh, it doesn't seem like they're happy with their choices," says Butters.

Don't be dispirited, Butters; sometimes people need to make mistakes in order to learn. Eight years, for example," says Kyle.

"If only there was an answer…" Butters says, pondering out loud.

Victoria stops by the boys, "Eric Cartman, come to my office."

"Goddamnit, how'd you find out?" Eric blurts out angrily.

"Never mind, come on."

"All right, all right…" Eric grumbles.

.

Victoria shuts the door to her office. She walks around and sits at her desk.

"Eric, this isn't about whatever it is you did."

"It's not? Whew."

"By the way, what did you do?"

"Oh, nothing. What is this about?"

"Eric, I don't know how to put this ... the mock ballots today startled me. I respect Mr. Mackey's decision to run against me, but I really expected he'd get more like 13% of the vote. All he needs to do is persuade a dozen or more students and he'll win. I have a pension to worry about and I'm too old to go job hunting. This is a bit of a pickled."

"Principal Victoria, don't beat around the bush."

"Well, Eric, over time I've noticed you have a propensity to get what you want, even by shady and questionable means. You got all the boys to measure their penises and post the sizes by names. You got a Shakey's Pizza by getting a woman to have an abortion…"

"Allegedly."

"You sued Kyle and took half his stuff, cooked a kid's parents and fed them to him."

"Allegedly."

"And relentlessly harassed a girl until she jumped off the school top in an attempted suicide. And more."

"All allegedly."

"So, I guess I'm asking … what would it take to get you to do whatever it is you're gonna do, to get Mr. Mackey's reputation so destroyed he'll drop out?"

"Three things."

"Name them."

"Free candy for me year round. None for Kyle or Butters."

"Deal."

"My own private bathroom. Which Kyle can use and only use right after I've taken a massive shit in it."

"Deal."

"And each year book must have Kyle Broflovski voted Most Likely to Suck Eric Cartman's Balls."

"Hum, well, I could probably swing that one year but parents complaining would likely stop more years."

"I'll chose a new slogan each year."

"Then it's a deal," Victoria says, then breaths in and out, "Destroy him."

"Principal Victoria … welcome to the dark side."


	2. Chapter 2

Two days later. Mr. Mackey arrives a little later than usual on the bright sunny and breezy morning.

He passes by students chatting as they wait for the bell to ring, "Good morning Jimmy. Good morning Clyde; a little less middle finger, Clyde," he then sees a sign on the wall and reads it aloud, "Mr. Mackey is a sexual predator. Huh?" he looks around while he walks, "Warning: The Counselor Likes 'em Young. What? Who put this garbage up?" he rips it off the wall. "Good morning, Bebe."

" _Aaaggghhh!_ " Bebe blurts out and runs away.

Mr. Mackey reads aloud another poster, "Mr. Mackey and your daughter kissing in a tree, k, i, s, s, i, n, g? What the – no!" he rips it off then spots another a few feet away, "Mr. Mackey wants to ban birth control? Whoever is doing this needs to seriously stop! M'kay," he then rips that off as well and finds a smaller version underneath it. He yanks that one as well. He rounds a corner and sees a ton of posters plastered all over both sides of the hall all the way down. "Oh boy."

The bell rings.

.

Mr. Garrison walks in as the kids chat feverously about the events of the morning.

"Good morning class. I'm sure today's revelation about Mr. Mackey being a pervert is no surprise. Thankfully we have two choices this election cycle, so you know what to do. Any hoo, today I continue our study on the Wig party. Americans and representatives on both sides of the isle were becoming increasingly fed up with the two majority parties that were so similar they might as well have been the same party. While some members wanted to rid away with the stain of the unconstitutional slavery act, both the Democrat and Wig party wanted to keep slavery. In fact, the Democrats voted to keep slavery. In fact, the Democrats voted time and time again for slavery related laws – all public record – and had it in their party's platform well into the 1900's – long after slavery was abolished by Abraham Lincoln. Butters?" Garrison asks after seeing Butters raise a hand.

"By golly, but if both sides were so similar, how could the voters ever hope to effectuate legitimate change?"

"Wow … a surprisingly intellectual question for once. Well, you see Butters, the American people have been shown to need to be painfully kicked in the nuts over and over and over again until they've had enough. And that Cry Mackey moment came when in 1856, Charles Sumner walked up to the Senate floor and gave an anti-slavery speech where he called out members by name."

"Yawn, boring. Speeches are always so boring," Eric comments loudly.

"And then Preston Brooks – a cousin of a member Sumner called out – walked up, slammed Sumner over the head with his cane, broke a desk and beat Sumner with that, then continued violently beating Sumner with the cane while Sumner was unconscious until the cane broke. He was so badly beaten the doctors had no idea how he survived. There, is that a boring speech, Eric?"

"Whoa, that was actually a kind of kick ass. I'm gonna have to by myself a cane."

"Butters?" Harrison acknowledges after seeing Butters raising a hand.

"So, basically a Congressman has to try and murder another before we get real change?"

"Couldn't hurt, but that wasn't the case here. Two years earlier thirty men from the parties formed the Republican party, with the anti-slavery plat form. All the caning did was effectively kill the Wig party. Four years later in 1860 Abraham Lincoln was the first elected Republican President and the rest was history."

"Hum … interesting…" Butters ponders aloud.

"Awesome, Mr. Garrison. Can we hear that brutal caning part again?" Eric asks enthusiastically.

.

The boys sit in the cafeteria eating lunch.

"And my cane would glow red and make noises like a lightsaber 'n' I'd beat people over the head with it 'n' tell them I'm their father and stuff," Eric says while pretending to move an invisible lightsaber around.

"I never thought I'd say this, but I'm over saturated by Star Wars now," says Stan.

"Mhe tuu," says Kenny in a muffled voice.

"Oh, hey boys," says Mr. Mackey as he stops by their table.

"Agh! Don't rape me!" Butters exclaims, cowering in fear.

"Rape you? What? Boys, these posters and claims simply aren't true, m'kay? I've never raped anybody."

"Oh," says Butters, uncovering his face.

"I don't know. I hear every lie has at least an ounce of truth in it," says Eric.

Kyle retorts to Eric, "Is that so? Well, my friend Bob tells me you eat dog crap every morning. Which ounce of that is true?"

"Wouldn't it be hilarious if you were voted most likely to suck my balls, Kyle?"

"Mmmkaaayyy … remember to vote for me next week," Mr. Mackey walks away to the next table.

"Cartman, I don't know how you did it, but I know you did it," says Kyle.

"Owww, did your friend Bob tell you that?"

"Well, now it's out there and you have to disprove it, shit eater!"

"Well, if you don't have anything nice to say Kyle, then shut your flappy Jewish mouth."

.

Mr. Mackey stops at another table, "Oh, hello girls."

" _AGH!_ " the girls all collectively exclaim.

"Now, girls, I know there's been some unsavory rumors going around about me, but I assure you all they're not true."

"I heard you asked out a four-year-old girl," says Nicole.

"What? I'd never do such a thing!"

"I heard a rumor you signed a girl's year book that you were trying to boink," says Wendy.

"Boink? I … I don't even know for sure what boink means."

"So you don't deny it?" Nicole asks him.

"Huh? That's not even how a logical argument works, Nicole."

"Oh, shit – he knows my name"

"Well, of course I do; I know all you girls' names."

" _ **AGH!**_ " they all exclaim in unison.

"I'm gonna go see if Bebe has room for me to hide in the bathroom stall with her," Bebe says, running away.

"Candy?" Victoria asks, suddenly stopping at the boy's table.

"Yes, thank you," says Eric.

"No, thanks, Principal Victoria," says Kyle.

"Sure," says Stan, taking a piece.

"Dude, it's vote bribery," says Kyle to Stan.

"But … she's just gonna hand it out anyway," says Stan.

"Only if everybody thinks like that!"

"Boys, can't your sweet dear candidate-elect Principal give her students some sugar now and then?" Victoria asks them.

"Sure. After you've lost re-election," says Kyle.

"Oh, hahaha, kids," she pats Kyle on his head.

"Don't touch me."

"Say, kids, are you going to attend the first debate tonight?"

"We got home work and video games. And chores if we have the time," Stan replies.

"Oh, the debate is during school today. I cut the final class of the day in half so there'd be time for a thirty-minute debate."

"And our schedules just opened up," says Stan.

"Why, ah, sure thin Principal Victoria. I hope to become a much more educated voter after tonight, by golly gee wiz," says Butters.

"Terrific. See you boys later today," she turns around and speaks aloud," Who hasn't made up their mind yet on voting and would like some free candy?" she walks off.

"Argh! Craig – you're not gonna eat that are you?" Kyle says in frustration.

"Maybe…" he stops his hand a couple inches before his mouth.

"Can't you see all she's doing is buying your vote?"

"Oh. So, she's offering cash, too? How much? I might be bought cheaply," Craig says and then eats the candy.

"Can you imagine what the world would be like if the Founding Fathers had been bought by the British and didn't help create America or the Constitution?" Kyle asks them all.

"At least they'd have lots of candy," says Eric.

"Enough with the fucking candy!" Kyle shouts; his eyes squinted shut and his hands closed in fists.

"Somebody's still got a sandy little vagina," Eric comments.

.

Later that day. All South Park Elementary students sit on the gym bleachers, chatting. On the gym floor are two podiums – each with a microphone. Betwixt them a desk with a chair and a third microphone. Sitting at the desk is Mr. Garrison. Mr. Mackey stands at a podium, reading notes on index cards.

Outside, not too far from the gym doors, Victoria paces nervously. Eric exits a nearby men's room and heads for Victoria.

"Well?" she asks Eric.

"Relax. I gave Mr. Garrison your questions in advance. He cares about his job security just as much as he does hot gay sex. So, a lot. Mr. Mackey will never know what hit him."

"Good."

"Stay out here for a minute so we don't raise any suspicions," Eric tells her.

"I understand."

Eric heads to the doors and goes back into the gym, climbing back into the bleachers and taking his seat.

After a minute Victoria walks in and stands behind the podium with her name on it.

Mr. Garrison starts speaking, "Okay, now that our master debaters are here, we can begin the debate. I'll be the moderator tonight. Each candidate will have two minutes to respond, unless the mood strikes me otherwise. Everybody got that?"

"Yes," Victoria answers.

"Affirmative," Mr. Mackey answers.

"All right then. We'll try to keep it simple. Mr. Mackey … how would you curtail the school's never-ending supply of suddent and dangerous violence?"

"Aaahhh … well, I … I mean, if it's _sudden_ , how do you prepare for that? Dangers arise, but it's not like they tell you in advance 'kay. Hence _sudden_."

"So you're saying you don't have an answer? One minute forty seconds. Go."

"Well, I-I … every situation is unique and it's hard enough to know what's coming in advance, le alone _sudden_ violence."

"So basically you're telling students they have to be victims first before you can do anything?" Mr. Garrison asks Mr. Mackey.

"No. Well, I mean yes. Yes and no, actually. Certainly I don't condone violence, sudden or not, especially if it's dangerous in nature. Sudden dangerous violence is even worse, m'kay. I guess we could have security and if they see anything sudden that is dangerous and violent in nature, why, they'd handle it. Yeah, that sounds good."

"Not too long ago a T-Rex broke through the roof and ate a student. What if that happens again and it eats the guard? And how would you prevent future T-Rex deaths?"

"Aaahhh … well, obviously being eaten by a T-Rex is bad. Wouldn't recommend it. I guess we could have T-Rex snipers on the roof."

"Just so we're clear … your solutions are to deplete the budget and murder an endangered species?"

"For the children."

"Okay. Principal Victoria your response," says Mr. Garrison.

"Well, obviously, Mr. Garrison, violence in any form upon the youth of country is unacceptable and won't be tolerated. As you current acting Principal, I have first-hand experience with the day-to-day events of the school, so it's easier for me to detect the nuanced changes indicating impending danger and violence. And if elected I pledge to you to continue combating these sudden dangers!" she pounds a first on the podium with each of the last three words.

"Ow!" Craig says after a piece of ceiling suddenly falls down and knocks him on the head. "I've been Omarosa-d."

"All right. Mr. Mackey, these questions are going to get a little tougher. As you know, 30% of South Park Elementary school students graduate barely able to read and write, and their math skills are remedial at best and will make the future Chinese slaves. Now, like many public schools we receive government money based upon factors such as graduation rates, so like other school's across the country, we lower testing standards so more illiterate retards can graduate."

"I just wanna say that's bad," Mr. Mackey interjects.

"So, as school Principal, would you continue holding the illiterate retards back, further burdening an already cash-strapped school? Or would you let them graduate, continue our reputation of cranking out unemployable idiots and further burdening South Park Middle School with over-crowding?"

"Huh. I certainly don't want to burden either school. I also don't want to lose funding. But certainly also want our youth to come out less illiterate and less retarded. I'm feeling as if I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't."

Mr. Garrison answers back, "So, you're saying as school Principal you wouldn't know what to do?"

"No, no, that's not it at all. You know, the issues are complex and there's no simple solution, m'kay."

"A lot of good that does the retards. Principal Victoria, how would you handle it?"

"First of all, excellent job moderating."

"Thank you."

"Now, the answer is simple. If you turn down the funding, the school will be forced to tighten its belt. Then you put an emphasis on learning over rubber-stamping graduation papers. Problem solved!"

School staff off to the side of the gym clap, as well as a few students and Mr. Garrison.

"Excellent answers," says Mr. Garrison.

Mr. Mackey speaks up, "Ah, excuse me, Principal Victoria. If it were that simple, then, ah, what have you been waiting for?"

There's dead silence in the gym.

"Hey! I'm the moderator and I'll ask the questions about here! Anyway…"

About twenty-five minutes later.

"Okay, the final question of the night goes to you, Mr. Mackey," says Mr. Garrison.

"Excellent," Mr. Mackey nods his head.

"As school Principal how would you stop school Counselor Mr. Mackey from taking young girls out behind iHopp and trying to cup a feel?"

"What?! Cup a feel of _what_? They don't have anything to cup yet!" Mr. Mackey exclaims in frustration.

"How would you know?" Mr. Garrison asks.

"Now, this is getting out of hand now, m'kay."

"Whoa! What is it exactly you have in your hand?" Mr. Garrison asks.

"The issue," Mr. Mackey replies.

"So you're saying there is an issue?" Mr. Garrison asks.

"Yes, of course!"

"Wow, I didn't expect you to admit it," says Garrison.

"No – that's not what I me-"

"Oh, I'm sorry, we're out of time. Thanks for participating!" Mr. Garrison says after the school bell rings, signaling the end of the school day. Kids push and shove to beat each other out of the gym.

.

As the boys get books and homework from their lockers to take home, Butters stops by.

"Hey, fellas."

"Hey, Butters," says Kyle.

"Butters," says Stan.

"Hey," Kenny waves.

Kyle speaks, "So, Butters, did you figure out who you're gonna vote for?"

"Actually, I don't think I can vote for either of them."

"So you're not gonna vote?" Kyle asks him.

"Oh, gosh, there goes an important part of history," Eric says with sarcasm.

Butters answers, "No. I realize now what I have to do."

"Whut?" Kenny asks in a muffled voice.

"Vote third party!"

"Ah, butters, there are only two people running. It's one or the other," says Stan.

"But what if it wasn't?" Butters asks.

They begin heading for the school buses.

"What are you going to do? Run?" Stan asks Butters.

"Don't be silly, Stan. I'm too young and my mom would probably ground me for a year if I ran for school Principal. But after tonight I think I know just who can…"

Stan says to him, "Butters, all third-party candidates do is syphon off votes from one side and let the other win. Maybe enough people will unify being a third-party candidate one day, but today's not that day."

"Oh, cool – a third party candidate. I've always wanted to not vote for a party that spends its debates talking about pot instead of important issues," Eric says with heavy sarcasm.

"I'll catch you guys later. I'm gonna walk home. But first I'm going to stop by his place and change the face of this race. Yes, siry, things are gonna be different tomorrow…"

They continue outside the school doors, except Eric, who freezes inside the school.

"Oh, crap…"

.

Butters walks up to a house with a white picket fence. In pots along the fence, bamboo grows. Butters presses the doorbell and the sound of wind chimes is heard. After several seconds he hears footsteps approach the door. The door opens to reveal a man in a black and white panda suit.

"Hi, is this Peetie the Panda?"

"Oh!" Peetie says excitedly; music starts playing and he sings while doing a little dance, "Who passed the bar and knows that Justice is bling and cannot see?

Don't Sue People Panda.

Who'll explain the law to you and me?

Don't Sue People Panda.

Don't say that.

Don't pee there.

Don't be libelous says the silly bear.

He's gonna tell you what's legally right and wrong.

Don't Sue People Panda."

He stops and puts his arms down and just looks at Butters.

"Wow!" Butters says clapping, then waits a few seconds for the Panda to say anything, but the Panda does. "Okay."


	3. Chapter 3

Butters finally decides to talk.

"You are Peetie the Sexual Harassment Panda, right?"

"No, that was the old Peetie. Like the song says, I'm Peetie the Don't Sue People Panda."

"Oh. That's a shame."

"Why's that, kid?"

"'cause I really need your help."

"Is it about lawsuits?"

"Well, no."

"Hum, well, then how can Peetie the Don't Sue People Panda help you?"

"Well, ah, I kind of was hoping you'd run for Principal of South Park Elementary."

"For principle lawyer?"

"No, school principal; p, a, l."

"You did hear the song, right? Because I can sing it again."

"No, that's okay. I really wish you'd consider it."

"Why's that?"

"Well, we have two people running: our current Principal and Mr. Mackey, our current school counselor. Principal Victoria doesn't seem like she's going to do anything different, and Mr. Mackey, well, there are several rumors going around he has a thing for young girls in the school."

"That makes me a saaaddd panda."

"I remember you came to our school a while back to teach us about sexual harassment and I thought: Hey – he'd be perfect. Who better to run against an alleged sexual harasser than Sexual Harassment Panda?"

"Thank you, I appreciate the sentiment, but I've moved on. But you know what? I've gotten bored with law; it makes me a booorrred panda. You know, Peetie the Principal Panda has a nice ring to it."

"Then you'll do it?! You'll run?!" Butters says excitedly.

"Why not!"

"Wow! Total bitchcakes!"

.

The next morning at school. Kids point and state as Don't Sue People Panda walks around the halls.

"He reads posters taped to the walls aloud, "It's Three a.m. – Do You Know Where Your Kids Are? Mr. Mackey Does. Oh, goodness."

"Sexual Harassment Panda?" Kyle says aloud as he sees Don't Sue People Panda walk by.

Peetie reads another poster aloud, "Friends Don't Let Friends Go to Mr. Mackey's Office Alone? Wowzers – so much sexual harassment."

"Sexual Harassment Panda!" Kyle calls out to Peetie.

"Remember us?" Stan asks.

"Oh, hello boys. I do kind of remember you. But I don't go by that name anymore, remember? At the moment it's Don't Sue People Panda."

"Oh, okay. I wonder where Eric is – I recall he liked you," Kyle comments.

"What brings you back to our school? A lawsuit?" Stan asks Peetie.

"No, nothing like that. Right now I'm on my way to the gym to make an important announcement."

"Gym meeting bingo," Stan says to Kyle and Kenny.

"Attention students and faculty," Victoria's lack-luster voice sounds over the briefly whining intercom, "Please gather in the gym for an announcement," and with that the intercom cuts off.

"Come on, we'll show you to the gym," says Kyle.

.

Eric paces outside the gym's double doors. He stops when he sees Victoria walk over.

"Principal Victoria, where were you? I waited at our designated secret meeting spot but you didn't show."

"Sorry about that, I ran into some trouble."

"What kind of trouble?" Eric asks.

"This…" she pushes a door open and lets Eric peak in.

"Whoa, cooooolll, Sexual Harassment Panda."

"He's joining the race."

"And he must be destroyed," Eric tone shifts quickly.

"Let's enter together. I was with Don't Sue People Panda this morning, so I have an alibi."

"Okay, but in the future I suggest we hold our meetings outside the school to be more conspicuous."

They both then enter. Eric climbs up into the bleachers where Butters has saved him a spot. Eric gives Butters a penny for his troubles.

"Ahhh, been busy workin' that ass grove in the Principal's office, huh? Have you ever thought about being less like you? Kyle mocks Eric.

"Suck my ass grove, Kyle."

Don't Sue People Panda walks up to the microphone stand and removes the microphone.

He starts singing as music plays, "Who passed the bar and knows the Justice is blind 'n' cannot see?

Don't Sue People Panda.

Who'll explain the law to you and me?

Don't Sue People Panda.

Don't say that.

Don't pee there.

Don't be libelous says the silly bear.

He's gonna tell you what's legally right and wrong.

Don't Sue People Panda."

"Yeah!" Butters claps excitedly.

"Hello, boys and girls. I heard South Park Elementary has a serious problem with sexual misconduct on the part of a certain staff member."

"Why is everyone looking at me?" says Mr. Garrison, annoyed.

"With the election coming up in mere days, something has to be done about it. But it's not enough to simply vote against Mr. Mackey since he was hired and is still kept employed by the other candidate, Principal Victoria. Those options make me a saaaddd panda. That's why I'm announcing I'm running as a third-party candidate for Principal of this fine school!"

Victoria worries, even though she only sees sporadic applause. She walks up to the microphone.

"Okay, there's that. Remember: Monday is the final debate. I'll have free candy for everyone!"

" **YAY!** " lots of kids yell out.

"Meeting adjourned!" Victoria shouts.

.

Kenny, Kyle, Eric, Stan and Butters file out of the gym to head for classes.

"Why, ah, isn't it great, fellas? Now we all have a third option to vote for. Hunkey dory is the phrase, I think," says Butters.

Stan says to Butters, "Yeah, nifty. Like every other late-entry third-party candidate, he swoops in at the last minute, has no name recognition, is kind of crazy, and he'll just syphon off votes of the guy opposing the incumbent. It's Ross Perot all over again."

"Well, not with that negative nancy attitude, Stan," says Butters.

"Oh. Yipppeeeee – vote flushing," Stan says apathetically.

"That's betters," says Butters.

"Hey guys," says Nicole, who has joined them.

"Hey, afro balls," says Eric.

"Her name isn't afro balls, you fat fuck, it's Nicole," says Kyle.

"It's an affectionate name, Kyle," Eric says in an annoyed voice.

"So is fat fuck…" Kyle retorts.

"What's up, Nicole?" Stan asks her.

"I'm selling protection. It's not safe around here with Mr. Mackey trolling around, so I'm offering Ass-guards."

"Those weenie Stargate aliens?" Eric says.

"No, a, s, s. They're like two big jock straps tied together that protect you from un-wanted cupping."

"Ah, no thanks. We don't really believe all allegations anyway," says Stan to Nicole.

"Yeah," Kenny joins in.

"Me neither, but only because I want somebody to cup my feel. Hope springs eternal," says Eric.

"Only if they have giant Mr. Mouse hands," Kyle says to Eric.

Eric says back to Kyle, "Still more cuppin' than you're getting'."

"I'll take one," Butters says to Nicole.

"That'll be fifty cents."

"Oh, geez o na wiz – that's most of my lunch money," says Butters.

"Ah, hell, you can have some of our lunches today so you don't get grounded, Butters," says Kyle.

"Yeah," says Kenny.

"Thanks, fellas. I feel better knowing my ass is safe," Butters than hands Nicole two quarters.

"Unless he grabs you by the balls," Eric comments in a low voice.

"Oh…" Butters says, his feelings of safety deflated.

"Ass-guards! Get 'em while they're hot! Two scoops of rectal protection!" Nicole calls out as she heads away.

.

The kids sit in Mr. Garrison's class and listen to him talk.

"And so Braham Lincoln entered the fray again to run for President, as a third party candidate. And it was only possible, as I explained a couple of days ago, because people from both sides of the isle came together for a common goal."

"Man, I wish more folks would come together to unify behind a common goal," Butters comments aloud.

"The Nazi's and the Russians came together for a common goal: more mass genocide and world domination," says Kyle.

"Well, except for them," says Butters.

"And various Islamic sects came together for the caliphate; more genocide and world domination," says Kyle.

"Excluding genocide and world domination," says Butters.

Eric thinks aloud, "Hey, if they're a bunch of women, are they world dominatrixes?"

"If only there were stupid questions…" Mr. Garrison comments and then turns to face the chalk board to start writing.

.

Victoria cracks her office door and watches as students race to exit the school and make busses quickly.

"Okay, it looks safe…" she closes it and makes her way to her desk chair and sits. "thank you for coming."

"You're welcome," says Don't Sue People Panda.

"It occurred to me, just because we're running against each other, doesn't mean we have to be enemies."

"Being enemies makes me a sa-"

"Sad panda. Yeah, I know."

"Humph."

"Look, I wanna win, you wanna win. Neither of us wants Mr. Mackey to win. Yet an informal polling of students today showed he and I are neck and neck now. How would you like better odds?" Victoria asks Peetie.

"I wouldn't have to do anything shady or untoward, would I? I'm still Don't Sue People Panda. Would you like to hear my jingle?"

Maybe later. All you have to do is target Mr. Mackey and try to leave me alone. And I'll try to leave you alone."

"But it looks like somebody is already targeting him," says Peetie.

"I know, I've been having Eric Cartman secretly helping me. But he's made demands contingent upon his help, and I'll be damned if I let that Charles Manson wannabe tell me what to do."

"Eric? Oh, I remember Eric – he liked Sexual Harassment Panda."

"Eric Cartman has made a woman have an abortion so he could own a Shakey's Pizza, pretended he was gay so he could harass another boy and get two other students together, and made every male student let him measure their penis sizes which he then posted on a school hall wall. Amongst other things."

"Oh my goodness – so much sexual harassment!" Peetie exclaims.

"So, then you'll help?"

"Principal Victoria, I will do what I can."

"Excellent."

.

Eric and Victoria sit at a table close by a window, in City Wok. Girls from the elementary school walk by, holding protest signs. The first reads: No Means No!. The second: Unless We Want to Fruther Our Hollywood Careers!. Then a third sign is walked by reading: Also, Unless You're Tom Cruise.

Mr. Kim walks up to them and greets them, "Whi hero ahnd wehlcome tu Shitty Wok. Cahn I ah tahke yohr order?"

Victoria whips out some money, "Here's five bucks to leave us alone. And don't bring us any of your shitty food."

Kim snatches the money and after a few seconds he speaks up, "You think Ih'd bee ofendhed, buht this iz the mohst ag mohney I've made in one houwer. Pleahze, feehl free tu cohme bahck mohre often," he then walks away.

"Thank you for coming, Eric."

"no problem, Principal Victoria."

"It's too close to the election to get caught meeting at the school, so I'm doing as you suggested. If we meet in this little restaurant, there will be no visitor's log with your name on it at my office."

"I must say, I admire your deviousness," says Eric.

"Thanks, I guess. This is a crisis meeting, Eric. An informal polling of students shows I'm neck and neck with Mr. Mackey, despite your efforts."

"Maybe so, Principal Victoria, but you have two things he doesn't."

"Such as?"

"Name recognition and familiarity. People are lazy and stupid and will keep voting for the same bastard over and over again no matter how many times he's McCained them, until that person either dies, retires, or hits a term limit."

"Are you sure?" Victoria asks him.

"You know how many 80 year-old Congressmen with memory loss and dementia there are?" Eric asks her.

"No."

"Quite a few. They could die and their staffers would prop them up like they were in 'Weekend at Bernies'."

"What about that grown man in the panda costume?"

"He's nothing more than an unwitting tool, and vote syphoner. There's always some third-party douchebag who thinks he has a shot and enters at the last minute. They almost always take votes away from the guy challenging the incumbent. People who think they have the moral high ground will vote for the third-party candidate – the equivalent of voting for a toaster. Your victory is a foregone conclusion."

"Let's hope you're right, Eric, 'cause if I lose this race, the deal is off. I don't need you to lose this race – I can do that all by myself. No bathroom, no year book, no nothing. And I have to win because of what you did; I'm not giving you anything if I win of my own dumb luck. Now, I'm going to leave separately so as to not raise suspicions," Victoria gets up and walks away toward the exit.

After a few seconds Eric yells, "AGH! Fucking panda!" and throws a bread roll and hops off the chair to leave. He mumbles angrily as he forces his way through more protesting girls. A fourth sign reads: And Then We'll Wat Twenty Years to Say Anything About it So You Can Keep on Molesting!.

Mr. Kim walks over, picks up the bread roll, blows on it, and sets it back in the basket on the table.

"Eets ohkay. One hundrehd ahnd twentee second rule.


	4. Chapter 4

As students dart around the halls quickly to their lockers to change out books between classes, Victoria prowls around with a big bowl of candy; in addition to individually wrapped small pieces, multiple "Bite sized" mini bars of Butterfingers as well as miniature Reese Cups are scattered in the bowl.

"Free candy! Free candy! Remember to vote for me. I encourage you to pay a finger on my Butterfingers!"

"One, please," says Craig, raising a finger.

"Ah, Craig – my loyal supporter. You can have two!"

"Wow, I'd vote for you twice if I could."

"Thank you! Technically there are no Federal voting laws we have to observe…" says Victoria.

On the other end of the hall, Don't Sue People Panda hands out an item to kids.

"Boob Apron. Free Boob Aprons! It's no charmin' when he unapprovedly squeezes your Charmin."

"Hey, Eric, they've finally invented something to take care of your unsightly moobs problem," Kyle says.

"Suck my moobs, Kyle."

"Don't Weinstein me, perverter," Kyle shoots back.

"Whoa-ho – kids, kids – sexual harassment is no game," says Don't Sue People Panda.

"Yeah huh – I saw it from Parker Brothers," says Eric.

"Why Eric, I think you're just making that up," Don't Sue People Panda replies.

"Probably," says Eric.

"Okay, gather around, kids; I think a little demonstration on what is and what is not sexual harassment is in order," says Don't Sue People Panda.

"But I thought you weren't Sexual Harassment Panda anymore," says Stan.

"I'm not. This is just one quick demonstration. Little girl, what's your name?"

"Nicole."

"Pleased to meet you, Nicole. Would you like a Boob Apron?"

"Sure," she says excitedly.

He rummages through his supply and pulls out a particular one, "Here you go – this one is military green and even has fake pockets printed on it."

"Thank you," Nicole says, putting it on.

"Now, if I tell Nicole she looks very nice today – like a smooth Milky Way – that's a verbal compliment. However, if I chase her around a massage table half naked and ask her to release my third chakra, that's verbal sexual harassment."

Kyle comments, "Only a deviant sexual predator would do that."

"Exactly. Now for an example of physical sexual harassment. Say I hover my open hands over her blossoming raisins," he does just so, "but don't actually touch them. That's technically not sexual harassment; even though her parents would have a serious problem with that. Now, if I put my hands on them," he does just that, "then that's sexual harassment. But it's okay if I do it because I'm not your Principal yet. On, off. On, off. On, off," he removes his hands and then places them back on her repeatedly.

Eric quietly pulls out his phone and snaps a picture.

"On, off. On, off…"

"Remember when sexual harassment used to be a funny thing you saw on 'Home Alone 2'?" Kyle asks Stan and Kenny.

"Candy?" asks Victoria.

.

The boys sit patiently in Mr. Garrison's class, a little later that day, as Mr. Garrison talks.

"And so, for all his troubles, Lincoln was paid back for his exemplary service and freeing the slaves by being shot in the back of his head by a cowardly two-bit actor who like a dumb bastard tried to get away by leaping off the second story balcony Lincoln and his party was at, breaking a leg and limping off only to be caught later with his conspirators."

"Wooowww, Coooool. Is that where the phrase 'Go break a leg' comes from?" asks Eric.

"How the hell would I know? I'm just the teacher. Anyway, and so ended the first and last third-party candidate people actually wanted to vote for and did. Keep that in mind when you attend the final debate today."

Butters speaks up, "Well, I for one believe in our democracy."

"It's a republic – big difference," says Kyle.

"And I know the voters do, too," Butters continues.

"Who are un-informed and taking candy bribes," says Kyle.

"And I know they probably want somebody else to vote for," says Butters.

"Even though there's zero ground swell and indications of that," says Kyle.

"That's the America I believe in!" says Butters.

Kyle again replies back, "How quaint, those yet-to-be crushed hopes and dreams."

Mr. Garrison claps, "Yeah, Butters! Oh, goodness – makes me remember when I was young and didn't realize everyone was a fucking self-absorbed idiot."

Eric speaks up, "Cool, I'm ahead of the pack – I already think that now!"

.

Later at the end of the school day. Once again all the kids are assembled in the gym. Now there are three podiums, with Mr. Garrison at a fourth that is facing them. The candidates walk over and each takes a podium, with Mr. Mackey in the middle.

"Okay, quiet down, children. Welcome to the final debate. Joining this debate today is Peetie the Don't Sue People Panda, running in the … ugh … Panda Party."

"It's panda-rific!"

"Yeah, ah huh. Moving along to tonight's first question: What are your opinions on the spontaneous eruptions of sexual harassment here at South Park Elementary?" Mr. Garrison asks them.

"It's hard to measure just how far and deep this explosion has gone, but I for one don't like it," says Victoria.

Mr. Mackey then responds, "Well, I find it interesting that before the election none of this purported hot bed of activity even existed, m'kay. No such claims were made back when I was an assistant teacher, and not a word when I became the counselor. To say nothing of all the accusation-free years of services thus far."

Victoria chimes in, "And how brave of all these nameless faceless accusers to come forward all this time later. Just in time for the election."

"Why just me? What about Mr. Garrison?" Mr. Mackey asks.

"What about me?" Garrison asks with squinted eyes and a miffed tone.

"Well, you know…" Mackey replies.

"Homophobe!"

"I am not!"

"Just another gay basher," says Garrison.

"Huh? You're still milking that? Nobody cares anymore, m'kay; they've moved on to the next perceived victim group," says Mr. Mackey.

" **Humph!** " Mr. Garrison huffs.

"I hear Mc. Mackey uses the towel trap," says Don't Sue People Panda.

"Towel trap? What's that?" Victoria asks.

"Allow me to demonstrate…" Don't Sue People Panda reaches behind his back and unzips his panda costume. After some brief movement we see him pull up and toss both leg coverings over his shoulders. He walks out from behind the podium revealing his pasty white husky lower half, with a blue towel wrapped around him.

"This debate has officially jumped the panda," says Stan.

Don't Sue People Panda continues, "The towel trap is a classic ploy of sexual harassers. I should know – I tried a lot of cases like that over in Hollywood. Over there, the towel market is booming. What the suspect does is he – for example – says to a girl: 'Hey little girl, wanna come over to my office to discuss the polling?' and she says 'Yes'. Once in there you ask her is she wats to see the newest rising poll. And when she says 'Yes'…" he lets go of the towel and it drops to the floor, "you show her the full pandy."

"Is that just a black fuzzy energy drink cozy?" Victoria asks, looking downward.

Mackey speaks up, "I'd just like to take a moment here to remind everybody, m'kay, that I'm not the one standing here half naked with something on my wiener. That's all."

"And that's one example of sexual harassment. Mr. Mackey, do you own a towel?" Don't Sue People Panda asks.

"Well, of course I do."

" _He admits it!_ " Garrison blurts out.

"Ah, everybody owns a towel," says Mc. Mackey.

"Yeah, but not everybody uses it for what _you_ do," says Garrison.

"Drying off after showering?" Mr. Mackey inquires.

"Yeah… that," Garrison replies back, realizing how dumb it sounds but trying to maintain certainty in his voice.

"Just out of curiosity, Mr. Mackey, what kind of towel was it?" Don't Sue People Panda asks.

"Oh, it's a special limited edition Coopertone towel; you know, with the playful famous image of the little girl's bottom because a mischievous little dog is tugging it down. Innocent times."

"Huh! You mean to tell us you rub that little girl's bare bottom all over your wet junk?" asks Don't Sue People Panda.

" **HUH!** " a bunch of kids exclaim in the gym.

"What? It's just a printed image; it's not like I'm getting off on it in some perverse way."

"He's getting off on it in a _non-perverse_ way!" Garrison exclaims.

"Oh, well, what can you expect from a counselor who was raped by a man in an owl costume?" says Victoria.

"Now I … I told you that in confidence."

"And precisely what does the costume have to do with that?" asks Don't Sue People Panda, turning his attention to his ally Victoria.

"I was just saying," she answers.

"Costume racist," Don't Sue People Panda comments.

"No, I love Halloween!" Victoria responds.

"And these are the 'adults' who are supposed to lead by example…" Stan says sarcastically to his friends.

"Let's move on to another topic…" says Garrison.

Don't Sue People Panda suddenly speaks up, "Now, I know what some of you may be asking yourselves…" Don't Sue People Panda walks out from behind his podium, again with the bottom part of his costume off, this time wearing a tight pair of white underwear, "is this sexual harassment?" he then walks around the gym after lowering the underwear around his ankles, passing by Garrison, Victoria, and then back to his podium. "Yes. Yes it is."

"Ugh. Not even I'm _that_ gay," Garrison says in a low voice. He notices everybody looking at him, "Oh, yeah, hot mic. No, I'm totally gay – I just have _some_ standards."

"Oh, really?" What happened to Mr. Hat?" Victoria asks.

"An X-Ray found him in my ass after a wild night of … stuff with Mr. Slave. It's actually a funny story."

"Hahahahaha!" Victoria laughs.

"I haven't told the story yet," says Garrison.

"I know. I'm pretending like I've already heard it so hopefully you won't share it," says Victoria.

Don't Sue People Panda continues, "Also, masturbating into potted plants in public: also sexual harassment. Are there any potted plants in the gym?"

" _ **NO!**_ " Victoria and Garrison blurt out in unison.

"I'd like to say something. I am a candidate after all," says Mr. Mackey.

"I guess. We haven't heard from you in nearly ten minutes anyway," says Garrison.

"I just want to remind everyone of just some of the lies told about me during this campaign. They claimed I took a girl behind the diner to the back parking lot and forced myself on her, even though the diner doesn't even have a back parking lot. They said I was kicked out of the mall for trolling for girl ass, even though the mall manager says that never happened, m'kay. And my opponent claimed I signed that waitresses' year book, even though it was several months after the end of the school year, so there's no way she'd have it on her. At work. On the clock. Just when I happened to be there. And at the end of my purported signature was 'TA', which was something I signed after my name on assignments as a teacher's assistant; whomever forged that sourced it from an old signature no doubt their parents had. All the claims about me have been vicious lies that nobody cared enough to come forth with until I ran against Principal Victoria."

There's some brief silence in the gym.

"Oh, yeah? Then how come there are so many allegations?!" Garrison demands to know.

Some cheers come from the audience.

"Ah, because anybody can make allegations. There isn't a magic number that makes things true," Mackey responds.

"And in 1986 he was voted most likely to rape you," says Don't Sue People Panda.

" **HUH!** " kids exclaim.

"I don't think that was ever a thing, m'kay."

"Well, that's what I heard from a little bird," says Don't Sue People Panda.

"Come to think of it, I seem to recall being voted most likely not to … accomplish anything. Huh. That's not too much better."

"Here are other things you should be on the lookout for from Mr. Mackey," Don't Sue People Panda then walks over to Victoria.

"Aaahhh, if it's not too much trouble, could you put your costume pants back on?" Victoria asks.

"Sorry about that, just enjoying the breeze. Let me demonstrate a couple of examples."

"Please don't," says Victoria.

"Grabbing somebody's ass without their consent," he puts his hands on Victoria's ass, "sexual harassment."

"Hands on her ass…" Eric takes notes.

"Okay, example made; you can let go now," says Victoria.

Don't Sue People Panda lets go.

"Aaannnddd…" Don't Sue People Panda turns to Victoria's side and when she turns her head to look at him, he puts his hands on her face, pulls her in, and kisses her passionately for a prolonged period of time. He finally stops, "Forced missing - also sexual harassment."

"Excuse me, but I thought this debate was going to be about debating each other on issues facing the school," Mr. Mackey interjects.

"Yes, and you're an issue," Victoria responds to him.

"Speaking of school issues…" says Don't Sue People Panda.

"Finally," says Mr. Mackey.

"Measuring all the male student's life rods – sexual harassment."

"Cartman – Harvie Winestein before we all knew about Harvie Winestein," Kyle comments aloud.

Eric says back, "All geniuses are ahead of their time, Kyle."

Kyle retorts, "The only thing of you that's head of you is fifty inches of belly."

"Now hold on one gosh-darned second," Mr. Mackey says with a stern tone, "How come it is I'm public enemy number one with nothing more than made-up allegations, but Peetie Panda here is forcing himself on Victoria and playin' grab-ass, yet he's getting off scott free?"

DSP replies, "Well, it's really your fault that I even have to demonstrate anything."

"Sir, you can't blame others for your own behavior. We all saw you do it," says Mr. Mackey.

"Well, that's now how I remember it," says Don't Sue People Panda.

"So, you have the memory of a gold fish? And there's also a picture going around of your hands appearing to touch one of our students in an inappropriate manner," says Mackey

"Oh, goodness me – I only meant to lecture people about it from my high horse. This election has caused me to become the very thing I used to protest," says Don't Sue People Panda.

"Yeah, ah huh, it was the _election's_ fault," Mr. Mackey says with sarcasm in a low voice.

Don't Sue People Panda then addresses the kids, "In light of my behavior, which I feel really bad about now that people are pointing it out and a photo has surfaced, I – Peetie the Don't Sue People Panda – am announcing that I will be announcing tomorrow that I will be dropping out of the race."

"Excuse me," Nicole speaks up loudly, waving a hand.

"Yes, little girl?" Don't Sue People Panda asks her.

Mr. Garrison walks over with his microphone (the cord stretching just far enough) and holds it to Nicole's mouth.

"Nicole Daniels. Why are you announcing that you'll be announcing? If you're going to leave, _leave_. What are you waiting for? Just go!"

"That's a very good question, Nicole, and one which I might have an answer to tomorrow."

"But you already admitted you're a big pervert, too," says Nicole.

"No, technically I only agreed with Mr. Mackey's assessment."

"Then if you're innocent," Nicole continues to Columbo Don't Sue People Panda, "why are you announcing you'll be announcing your withdrawal?"

Don't Sue People Panda pauses for a few seconds, then answers, "That's another very good question."

"And?" Nicole asks after a few seconds of no response.

"Time's up. Any last words from our candidates?" Garrison asks.

"Make sure to see me in the cafeteria before the vote for some pre-celebratory punch and pie! Don't vote on an empty stomach!" says Victoria.

"When voting, don't forget your faithful long-time counselor, m'kay. I've always been here for you."

"I did not have posterior second-base relations with that woman's ass. Miss Victoria's. And I've never inserted cigars where they don't belong," says Don't Sue People Panda.

Garrison then speaks, "All right, I guess we're done then."

Kyle stands up and speaks loudly, "I have something to say."

"eh, why not? I don't need any last0minute controversies," says Victoria to Garrison.

Garrison walks over and holds the microphone up to Kyle's mouth.

"Before you vote tomorrow-"

"Booooo, gay little Kyle speech, boooo," Eric interrupts.

"…I want to say that I hope the voters of this school are not going to reward the lies and sleazy tactics of the other side. I don't know about you, but I'm tired of the bullcrap that allegations – some with no factual basis and some proven lies – are a reason not to vote for somebody. I'm tired of the voters being pushed into being judge, jury and executioner of not only somebody's potential for the position but also their reputation, with nothing more than a few allegation look-alike turds thrown into the swimming pool from the candidate wanting to win. I'm tired of _innocent until being proven guilty_ being a side factor and the allegations made and whether the people sound believable being the way to judge a person; anybody remember the Salem Witch trials?

I'd like to think South Park Elementary students are tired of all that, too. Thank you."

There is a good smattering of applause as Mr. Garrison walks off.

"School dismissed!" Victoria says loudly.

All the kids frantically pile out of the gym. Eric gives Victoria a thumbs up; she gives one back.

Butters catches up to the boys.

"By golly fellas is this disheartening. I sure hope Peetie wins tomorrow."

"Butters, that only thing that's gonna happen tomorrow is what Mr. Spock would call a 'Foregone conclusion'," says Stan.

"Well, I for one still hold out hope. Winston Churchill said to never give in!" says Butters.

"Thawt's thva spihrot!" Kenny says in a muffled voice.

Kyle then speaks, "You know what? I'm going to slightly agree with Butters. I have faith in my fellow man to make the intelligent decisions. I believe a little bit of the spirit of freedom our founding fathers had, lies within all of us."

"That's the ticket, Kyle," says Butters, patting Kyle on his back.

"Well see…" says Stan apathetically.

They head down the hall to their lockers.


	5. Chapter 5

Early the next day. The sun is just coming over the horizon as the daylight shines. At the nearby airport two small passenger planes are pulled alongside each other.

Victoria walks up and through the hatch door from a stair ramp into a plane from the other. She sits in a seat in front of Eric in the otherwise empty plane.

"Principal Victoria," Eric acknowledges her.

"Isn't this a little extreme? Couldn't we have just met some place secluded, like the woods or a recycling facility?"

"You can never be too careful," Eric responds.

"I guess. How'd you even get them to let you do this?"

"You'd be surprised what people will let you do when you threaten to feed them their parents."

"So, how do things look now that Don't Sue People Panda is sort of out of the race?" she asks him.

"Good, Principal Victoria. My own polling shows his supporters are shifting heavily to you."

"Good, good."

"Looks like my plan to discredit counselor Mackey has ensnared Don't Sue People Panda. Two for one; a delightful bonus. It's like getting a bag of bread sticks from Little Caesars and finding one extra stick in there."

"Unfortunately, Mr. Mackey is still in the race. I could lose to him."

"Whether or not he's still in the race will not change the votes now – the election is in mere hours. Did you get the punch and pie?" Eric asks.

"Yes."

"Good. More people will vote for you if you give them punch and pie."

"I don't know what your obsession with punch and pie is, but I trust it got you where you are today."

"Punch and pie has done things for me you'll never understand."

"For legal reasons I probably shouldn't know. I do have an issue though."

"Is some little douchenozzle allergic to punch and pie?" Eric asks.

"No, not that I know of. My polling of students is showing most of them do not believe the allegations against Mackey; the protesting and condemnation appears to be coming from a vocal minority. Your efforts appear to have been in vein."

"I won't like to you Principal Victoria – sometimes I don't always get my way. If I always did, I'd still have a theme park, Kyle would be dead, and I'd be making a living as a hippie exterminator."

"Remember: if I win of my own accord…"

"I know."

"Anything else?" she asks him.

"Don't do anything that will cause a controversy; say as little as you can, keep bribing them with free stuff, blame your opponent even when it doesn't make any sense, and don't stop to take a long drink of water while starring directly at them and not blinking."

"What If somebody saw us – what do I tell them we were talking about?"

"Tell them you were talking about your grandchildren and yoga. If they're stupid enough to think two people would meet secretly in planes side-by-side on a runway leading up to an important election just to talking about grandchildren, they deserve to be ruled over like idiots."

"Got it. Seems like a pretty far-fetched excuse though," says Victoria.

"And don't worry – I'm sure nobody has seen us."

"If you'll excuse me, I have to help prepare the punch and pie and free candy. Also I have official business to do if I get a minute."

"Good luck; my own personal bathroom is counting on it."

Kyle pulls his binoculars away from his face.

"I knew it!"

"What? What did you see?" Stan asks.

"Collusion. Fatasuarus Rex and Principal Victoria."

"Is it really a surprise anymore? Isn't Eric Cartman always the answer to when something bad happens? Who say down next to you and farts? Eric Cartman. Who's riling up the latest progressive hate group? Eric Cartman. Who literally peed in your Cheerios? Eric Cartman. Who fed a kid his own parents? Eric Cartman."

"We got to warn them; the election is near the end of the school day."

"Warn who? Victoria? Mr. Mackey – who can't do anything about it? Sexual Harassment Panda, who clearly shouldn't win? The students who don't care? Or the police over something that's not illegal?"

Kyle looks shocked, "My God – there's no redress. We have to sit by while he gets away with it," Kyle them gets up; Stan too. They sneak away, heaving for school.

"We may not win today, but either involuntary manslaughter or early on-set diabetes will get him, hopefully, before he's 18," says Stan.

"Maybe so, but I want to look him in the eyes and tell him I know. I always want a part of his brain to wonder whether we know and just haven't said anything. At least then we have an edge."

Eric gets up, "Now to go raid the complimentary peanuts and shit in the bathroom…" he whistles casually as he heads to the back of the plane.

.

An hour into the school day. Once again all the students sit on the bleachers in the gym. Don't Sue People Panda walks in and to a microphone stand; Victoria stands off to a side.

He speaks, "Hello, and thank you all for coming. It is with great sadness that I am announcing that I will be dropping out of the race in the coming weeks."

"Oh, no!" Butters can be heard blurting out, along with a small handful of students.

"Oh, come on! He's a grown man in a fucking panda costume!" Victoria exclaims.

"Bah hahaha…" Butters cries.

"Unless I win. I'm sorry none of the girls I demonstrated on shared my demonstration feelings. Even though what they're saying isn't what I recall. And so I'm also announcing that after the election is over, I'm going to check myself into sexual harassment demonstration addiction rehab for six months, come out clean, wait a year and come back healed and able to continue to help serve all my beloved followers! May the best man, woman, or panda win. Thank you."

During some quiet sporadic applause, Victoria walks to the microphone.

"Wow! Stunning and brave!" says Butters, wiping a tear from his face.

Victoria speaks, "All right, let's get the hell out of here. Be sure to grab 'participation candy' from me at the exit. And remember my name when voting. When you think of that delicious after taste in your mouth and on your lips, think of me."

"Heh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh," Kenny laughs, holding his belly.

As Kenny, Kyle, Stand and Butters head out together as a group, Kyle separates and quickly moves on ahead, making his way toward Eric. Stan sees this and exchanges glances with Kenny.

"Ah, Butters, why don't you and Kenny go on head; I gotta go to the bathroom," says Stan.

"Oh, okay. Come on, Kenny, you know how Mr. Krautklinger feels about tardiness," says Butters.

Stan rushes to catch up and reaches Kyle just as Kyle reaches Eric.

"Cartman," Kyle says pissed off.

"Broflovski," Eric replies.

"The Earth-shaking jig is up, Soros ass."

"Oh, Kyle, if only I gave a shit."

Kyle walks around Eric to face him, "I saw you … fly boy."

Eric hesitates, "Saw what?"

"Your clandestine rendezvous."

"Huh?" Eric says confused.

"Agh! I saw Victoria and your two-seater ass on that plane!"

"How did you … never mind. What's wrong with a student seeing a school faculty member outside of school? As long as they're not having sex."

"I'd be suspicious if you went to a confessional of what you said to the priest!" Kyle retorts.

"Well, in fact Victoria and I _were_ together. We both happened to be on the same runway, so we got together and talked about her grandkids and yoga."

"Bullshit. I was born on a yesterday, but not _exactly_ yesterday. I may not be able to change this election, but I can warn others about what you did."

"Kyle, do I need to run off a list of things I've done and gotten away with?"

"No, we're all aware you're a fat Damien. But you know what the worst part is? Crushing Butter's ideals before he was even thirty. You didn't have to destroy Don't Sue People Panda; he was quite capable of that himself. I saw the photo of him and Nicole; it was watermarked Mitch Conners."

"So I wanted to remain anonymous."

"Only 'cause you probably couldn't sell it for money," says Kyle.

"Give it up, you guys. You know by now you can't get me to confess."

"I don't care. Know this: I've found out before, I found out this time, and I'll find out again in the future; every time you think you're alone and nobody's watching, that I'm likely just out of sight or in the shadows. Where ever you are, I'll be there," Kyle points a finger in Eric's face and then walks off with Stan.

Eric stands there with a shocked look on his face for a number of seconds before commenting aloud, "Fuck – I better start locking the bathroom when I shit…"

.

Victoria sits in her office a couple hours later, doing some actual work. She hears a knock.

"Come in."

Don't Sue People Panda walks in and shuts the door, "Principal Victoria," he acknowledges her.

"What can I do for you, Peetie?"

"Actually, it's what I can do for you. I'd like to apologize."

"Oh. It takes a big man … in a panda costume to admit when he's wronged."

"Indeed. And I want to make sure I apologize for exactly what I did. Otherwise there might be confusion."

"We'd certainly not want confusion at South Park Elementary."

"Um hum. I'd like to apologize for removing my pants like this…" he unzips and steps out of the lower half of the costume, again flipping the legs over his shoulders, "that was wrong. I also want to apologize for invading your space and grabbing your ass like this…" he walks around her desk and pushes his hands under her ass and cups them, "that was wrong. Finally, I need to apologize for kissing you like this…" he leans in and plants a big wet one on her and stops after a few seconds, "that was also wrong."

"Yes they were…" she gets up and picks up a big dish full of candy and walks over to the office door. She opens the door, grabs a big hand-full of candy, tosses it on the floor, shuts and locks the door. She sits back down. "they were dirty dirty naughty wrong things. Why don't you show me what else is _wrong_ …" she unbuttons her over shirt and rips it open to reveal her frilly bra.

"Oh ho ho," he begins taking his costume off.

"No! Leave it on … and give me some of that bamboo I haven't had in three years, four months and sixteen days!"

Butters walks toward Victoria's office door, weaving through kids on the floor desperately fighting each other for candy.

"Oh, hey there fellas. My mom always told me eating off the floor was for animals, drug addicts and David Hasselhoff. Excuse me, excuse me," he finally reaches the office door and knocks when he finds it locked, "Hello?"

"Agh!" we hear Don't Sue People Panda exclaim.

"Aaaggghhh!" Victoria exclaims.

"Principal Victoria?" asks Butters.

" _Agh!_ " goes Don't Sue People Panda.

" _Agh!_ " goes Victoria.

He hears banging noises, "Huh? Oh – they're arguing and fighting over the election, of course!"

" **AGH!** " goes Victoria.

"Panda punch in your puss!" we hear Peetie exclaim, followed by a loud bang.

"Yeah! You give it to her, Peetie!" says Butters triumphantly.

.

Later that day. Kyle sighs heavily as he stops at the lunchroom doors and sees so many kids eating pie and drinking punch as Garrison and Victoria chat. He spots Stan and walks in.

"Stan!"

"What?" Stan pauses from biting into a slice of pie.

"Et tu, Brutus?" asks Kyle.

"When in Rome… Relax – I'm just eating free pie."

"It's the same thing as the candy though!" says Kyle.

"Somebody's gotta eat it. Might as well be me. Kenny's here, too," says Stan.

"Et tu, mini Brutus?" Kyle says to Kenny.

"Eh – it's candy," Kenny replies back.

"No, it's more than that, it's a symbol. A symbol that voters care more about free stuff than ethics; that they think there are _free stuff_ trees instead of realizing that money comes from _some_ where; and that their vote is so irrelevant, it can be traded for some of their freedom and liberty. Kenny, that piece of candy is a rot-gut sugar-coated piece of _cancer_ that's eating you alive until it kills you."

Kenny says nothing and just blinks a few times, then goes back to eating the candy, "Whatever."

"We're doomed as a school. Where's Butters?" asks Kyle.

"I think I heard him silently weeping in a bathroom stall," Stan replies.

Kyle says, "Poor butters, he's-"

" **AAAGGGHHH!** " Kenny screams out, cutting Kyle off. He grabs hos stomach, grimaces in pain, and his eyes roll back into his head. After throwing up pie and candy, he falls forward onto the floor dead.

Stan exclaims, "Oh my God – the candy killed Kenny!"

Victoria looks worried, "Ut-oh, controversy…"

"It's a bastard!" Kyle exclaims, shaking a fist.

The room is dead silent as kids look on in shock. Victoria finally breaks the silence after a number of seconds.

"Good news – more pie for everyone else!"

"YAY!" the kids shout in unison.

"It's an omen," says Kyle, distraught.

Clyde stops by, "Oh, I love that film," he says while chewing on pie.

.

An hour before school ends, all the students are lined up outside the gym in two lines, waiting to go in and vote as other students are using the voting booths already. Kyle sits outside the gym doors holding a protest sign that reads: Vote for Principals, Not Candy.

"Pft – candy racist," Clyde says after reading the sig. He then goes in next.

The Comedy song "The One That Doesn't Suck So Bad (That's Who I'm Voting For)" by Barry Mitchell begins to play. ( /watch?v=kQgY4aFUNvI):

Song: "When you're inside a voting booth do you get real depressed? You can't decide which candidate is better than the rest."

Butters stands in a voting booth looking depressed, seeing the choices.

Song: "You'd settle for the lesser of two evils but you're stuck.

So nowadays you settle for one who doesn't suck."

Nicole votes for Victoria.

Song: "It's the one, who doesn't suck so bad, that's who I'm voting for.

The one, that doesn't' suck so bad, nowadays who can ask for more."

Clyde votes for Victoria.

Song: "Let the country hear your voice, hold your nose and make your choice, for the one who doesn't' suck so bad, that's who I'm voting for.

Because it's the American way!"

Stan hesitates the booth pen by Victoria's name, then decides to check Mr. Mackey's name instead.

Song: "They raise a ton of money through those special interest packs, then spend it on commercials filled with persona attacks."

Eric walks into a booth quickly, grabs a pen, votes for Mackey and leaves with the ballot just as quickly, whistling happily.

Song: "Washington and Lincoln were the kind we used to hail. Hey! I'd take one who hasn't' been indicted or in jail!

It's the one, that doesn't suck so bad, that's who I'm voting for.

The one, that doesn't suck so bad, nowadays who can ask for more."

Kenny materializes out of thin air, inside a voting booth.

Song: "I've seen every candidate, I'll be candidate no one's great."

"Eh," Kenny shrugs his shoulders and votes for Victoria.

Song: "It's the one, that doesn't suck so bad, that's who I'm voting for.

The one, that doesn't suck so bad; never mind rotten to the core."

Butters puts his pen by Don't Sue People Panda's name, covers his eyes and votes.

Song: "Pull the lever let's begin; make the least offensive win.

It's the one, who doesn't suck so bad, that's who I'm voting for!"

Victoria votes for herself.

Song: "So get out there and vote! Unless you're busy," and then the song finally concludes.

Butters walks up to a ballot-reader machine and hands his ballot to Mr. Garrison, "Here you go, one ballot present and accounted for.:

"Just feed it into the machine, Butters."

"Which way?"

"Any way," says Garrison.

"Even upside down?" asks Butters.

" _ANY_ way," Garrison says with frustration.

"Oh, okay," Butters feeds it in and after a few seconds his vote shoes. "Pat Buchanan? I didn't vote for Pat Buchanan! I didn't even know Pat Buchanan _was on the ballot!_ "

"It was a simple bubble-filling voting ballot, Butters. You'd have to close your eyes to get it wrong."

"No! Wait! The ballot was confusing!"

"No do-over's. Next!" says Garrison.

"Political hamburgers!" Butters exclaims as he walks away.

Tweek walks up.

"Mr. Garrison, I think I screwed my ballot up."

"Let me see," he says annoyed as he takes the ballot. "A hanging chad? How'd you get a hanging chad? There aren't even chads on these ballots!"

" **Aaaggghhh!** " Tweek exclaims, with an eye twitching and his head ticking nervously.

.

The kids all sit on the gym bleachers as the faculty finishes a final re-tabulation of the votes. Victoria walks up to a microphone.

"Okay, the votes are in. First I'd like to thank you all for voting. So, without further ado…"

"Hold on a second, miss Victoria," Peetie says, walking up to the microphone, "I have an announcement to make. After careful consideration and much soul searching, I've decided to no longer actively practice law. The country doesn't need another lawyer, what is needs is another advocate against sexual harassment. So I am excited to announce I will once again be going by the name Sexual Harassment Panda!" the music starts playing and he does a little dance while singing, "Who lives in the east 'neath the willow tree?

Sexual Harassment Panda.

Who'll explain sexual harassment to you and me?

Sexual Harassment Panda.

Don't say that.

Don't touch there.

Don't be nasty says the silly bear.

He's gonna tell you what's right and wrong.

Sexual Harassment Panda."

The song ends and a few students clap.

"Yay – I like him again!" says Eric happily.

There's a brief awkward silence before he walks off and Victoria reclaims the microphone.

"Well, okay," she claps her hands, "that was a catchy little jingle, wasn't it? So, the votes have been counted, counted again, and re-counted. And they are as follows: with three votes total is the last-place candidate, Pat Buchanan?" she says surprised. "Huh. Coming in at twenty votes is Sexual Harassment Panda."

"That makes me a sssaaaaaddd panda."

"With a respectable forty-eight votes is Mr. Mackey. And with a landslide eighty-one vote-a-roonies, is me – the clear and unambiguous winner. I guess voting for myself wasn't necessary after all. I'd like to thank all of you for your continued support and confidence. I promise to continue doing right by you. Free candy!"

Mr. Garrison presses a button and candy start raining down on the kids like balloons.

Kyle sits there looking pissed off as candy falls on his hat.

"Here's gum in your eye, Kyle," says Eric, un-wrapping a piece of gum.

A kid behind Kyle picks a piece of candy off Kyle's hat.

"We're fucking _**doomed**_ as a people," says Kyle.

Victoria walks by, "Thank you, and thank you and you, too. Enjoying the candy?"

"Ah huh," says Kenny.

"Good. Looks like with eighty-one votes I was a shoe-in the whole time. The candy must have pushed me over. Looks like I didn't need anybody's help after all. Eat up!" she moves along to other kids, "Thank you, thank you, thank you…"

"Son of a bitch!" Eric blurts out.

Eric, Butters, and Kyle all sit there looking pissed off.

"So, none of you saw this coming from like a bazillion miles away?" Stan says with some sarcasm.

"That's it – I'm gonna have to fucking annex a bathroom!" Eric says angrily.

Stan says, "come on, let's go; it's over now. If we hurry, we can get good seats on the bus."

They all get up to leave and head toward the gym doors.

"No. No! I can't accept a fair and concluded election. I demand a recount!" says Butters.

"They counted three times," says Kenny.

"Well, then a fourth count," says Butters.

"And if he still loses?" Kenny asks Butters.

"Then however many recounts it takes until he squeaks by with a win," Butters says annoyed.

Nicole walks passed them.

"Nicole," Kyle says to her, "where's your Ass-guard and Boob Apron?"

"My what's?" she says.

"Those things you wore and sold to others to protect them from Mr. Mackey's fictional sexual advances," says Kyle.

"Oh. But there was an election," says Nicole.

"But Mr. Mackey didn't magically disappear," says Kyle.

"Mr. who?" she looks at Kyle and keeps walking ahead.

" **AGH!** _Fucking doomed as fuck!_ "

.

Mr. Mackey sits on the bleachers with his elbows on his knees so his hands can prop up his head. Around him various kids who either walk home or get picked up, are still eating candy and chatting. Craig walks up to him.

"Is there anything I can do for you, Mr. Mackey? In a non-sexual kind of way."

Mackey sighs, "No, I don't think so, Craig. Thanks anyway."

"No problem," Craig responds back before walking off.

Mr. Mackey comments aloud to himself, "So, ah, where do I go to get my reputation back?"

A piece of candy falls down and hits him on his head. A kid rushes over to snatch it up.

.

A young man asleep at a desk in an office is suddenly awakened when an old-fashioned news ticker comes to life printing information.

Startled, he grabs at the tape and reads it, "Holy shit!"

He rips it off and runs over to an office door, ripping it open.

"Sir! Sir! Mr. Buchanan, you got three more votes!"

Pat spins around in a big movie-style clichéd boss's chair to face the young man, "Nifty. Slow and steady wins the race. A vote here, a vote there, then one day, bingo – a Buchanan landslide…"

Ominous low brass-filled music plays as Buchanan sits there with an affable oblivious look on his face.

.

 **-THE END-**


End file.
